Certified Psycopath
by CentaurFirenze
Summary: Lucius Malfoy seeks counseling for Voldemort, and we get to peek at the Shrinks notes!
1. Submission

LUCKY WIZARDS COUNSELING SUBMITION FORM 128576-b  
  
Date: June 24  
  
Name of Client: Lord Voldemort  
  
Age: ????  
  
Name of Submittor: Lucius Malfoy  
  
Comments: The Lord has been rather moody lately, and I do believe counseling could help. He's been prone to throwing things, shooting random curses, jumping up and down, and erratic shouting of "KILL! KILL! KILL!!!" He spends far too much time in his chambers plotting the downfall of certain people. He's been k- er...hurting people more than usual, and it is getting increasingly difficult to deal with. I would greatly appreciate your help in getting him back to his normal nefarious self. Anything you can do, please do quickly, we're on a schedule here.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------  
  
Dear Mr. Malfoy,  
  
Thank you for your concern of Lord Voldemort. Lord Voldemort has been scheduled for an appointment with Dr. Elise Moore on June 31, 12:30 pm. If there is a problem, please owl the Lucky Wizards Counseling Scheduling Office. Thank You very Much!  
  
Dr. Horace Manly, Order of Merlin Third Class, Head Wazoo of Shrinks Anonymous. 


	2. Session 1 Nynorsk Zappole?

LUCKY WIZARDS COUNSELING FORM  
  
DOCTOR: ELISE MOORE  
  
SESSION: 1  
  
NAME OF CLIENT: Tom 'Voldemort' Riddle  
  
DATE: June 31 , 12:30 pm.  
  
NOTES:  
  
One more client till lunch!!!!! I'm quite looking forward to my eggsalad.  
  
*insert doodle of heart*  
  
12:31 This guy can't be for real. Did he honestly just call me a 'faithful minion"? He's quite ugly, might account for some of the stress he's experiencing. Not as intimidating as most would think of an evil dark lord. Maybe it's just the hat he's wearing, but it seems like most people are exaggerating.  
  
12:35. Client spent the first five minutes complaining about Harry Potter. I fear this might be more of a job for St. Mungos psych ward. Lucius was right, he does seem a bit off the edge.  
  
Elise: Lets start with Harry Potter.  
  
Lord V.: Potter?! That brat! I should KILL HIM! KILL KILL KILL!!!!  
  
12:38 Client refuses to get out of my chair. He threatened to curse me if I didn't "Get my mudblooded bottom onto the couch at once!" Quick temper. This couch is uncomfortable.  
  
12:39 I tried to begin discussing Harry Potter again, so he can let off some of his steam. Maybe I'll be able to get to the root of the problem.  
  
12:45 This discussion is going nowhere.  
  
12:46 Succeeded in getting topics off Harry Potter. Client has discovered my sqoosh ball.  
  
12:47 There is no more sqoosh in my sqoosh ball.  
  
12:47 Client has a soft spot for 'dear mumsy'. He never knew her.  
  
Note to self. Do not refer to Mrs. Riddle as Mrs. Riddle. Or Mummy Voldemort. I wonder if that will grow back?  
  
12:49 Ah interesting tidbit. His father was a muggle born, Tom Riddle. Oh dear. Client is now throwing things about the room. Shouting obscenities. With a German accent. Odd.  
  
12:53 Why me, God?  
  
12:54 I have awoken a kinder side in this client. It may have something to do with the fizzing whizzbees. He is quite fond of my gigantic jar of fizzing whizbees. He has told me a bit about his childhood that I think could be a strain on his mind. We must attempt to get him to relieve himself of this burden.  
  
12:56 Personal Note: Buy more Fizzing Whizbees. And Carpet Cleaner. This is the oddest client I've ever had.  
  
12:57 Including the one who thought he was a mousetrap.  
  
12:58 I wonder what I should have for lunch  
  
12:59 *insert badly drawn picture of Voldemort here*  
  
12:59 Client refuses to let me leave the room. He's barricaded the door with random objects. I'll have to skip lunch. Curses.  
  
1:00 Client is now listing every single death eater and his faults. I wonder if this hold weight under the patient confidentiality clause?  
  
1:13 I fear for my sanity.  
  
1:14 Client is attempting to steal my notepad. Bad client! BAD!  
  
1:14 I hope it will grow back...  
  
1:15 We're doing an exercise that usually works among the more violent patients. Client is writing down as many names for Harry Potter as he can think of.  
  
1:25 Still writing  
  
1: 30 He's used up all my parchment and is demanding I get more from the outside office. Unfortunately he has barricaded my door. That's enough for now, My Lord.  
  
1:31 I must be mad. I've told him to back Wednesday for an early appointment. Ah, he can't make Wednesday. He wants Thursday, which is when I have the Señor.  
  
1:31 "Then you had better cancel all your other appointments, doctor, or I'll curse your entire family into midgets. Midget chickens. And they'll never be sorted out again!" This guy has issues.  
  
1:32 Looking over the list of names.......  
  
Nuggety Genitalia?  
  
Faggity haggity hobgoblin?  
  
Nynorsck Zappole?  
  
I don't think I can pronoune this one.  
  
1:33 Gone to get my dictionary. Client who has a fatal fear of sausages late again. Must remind Henry not to eat hotdogs during clients appointments.  
  
1:34 .Meanie Poo Head? I know perfectly well what this persons problem is..  
  
DIAGNOSIS: Certified Psychopath 


	3. Flog the Blog

[Voldemorts blog - . 2U.com 1:45:23]  
**Monday 31**  
Kill!!!!!!!!  
_Entry_**:**  
  
I should have her killed. Malfoy too, for sending me there. I should make them all writhe in pain, suffer, then kill them, all!!!! Kill them until their too dead to come back!!! Yes……a Dark Lord should not fall to seeking therep! Grindlewald would never have stood for such an indignation!!! How dare she assumer I needed her help, That she was no more than merely a pawn anyway!!! Curses. My self esteem has dropped several points. I'll go and torture someone, that always helps.  
That doctor woman did have a nice supply of candy.   
Note: Malfoy, get me some fizzing whizbees!  
And I did rather enjoy that exercise of hers….I'll need to take back that list….*evil laughter*….maybe I will let her live. Until I finish the sessions, of course.   
  
  


Later

DEATH EATERS!!!! Who needs them?? I need new lackeys. Even Harry Potter would be better than these clumsy fools! Well maybe I ahven't gotten that desperate. I do need more minions though, shouldn't have killed that last one. God knows I'm running short. Too many people are good these days. I need a new leverage besides power. Money? Yes….yes…I can offer them the pillage from any muggle raids! I like that….sounds very evil…  
  
Heehee, I just had a vision of an article in the Daily Prophet… [b]Do you hate Muggles and mudbloods? Do you like killing, and pillaging towns? Would you like to be one of the most feared wizardfs or witches in the world? Then join the Dark Order today! See Lucius Malfoy in his secret hide out for more details, or pick up an order form at the nearest spooky pub!!![/b]  
I actually can't abide spooky pubs. I dont like the smoke. Well I wouldn't be there in person…..  
  
Anyway. Gar. When I stated out in this evl wizard business I ddn't know how much work it would take! I thought all I'd hve to do is come up with a cool name, master the dark arts, take on a few lackeys, and conquer the world! But noooo, now I have an image to uphold, I have to forswear all my normal pleasures like oatmeal (oatmeals an evil food isn't it?) and I have to drink my fruit punch out of a wine glass so they think its some fancy liquor, I can't even sleep in my favorite nightshirt anymore! It's an accursed life I tell you. It might have bee easier if all I had to fight was the stupid muggles, but no. Dumbledore and his goodie two shoes army has to pop up defendng them! And most of them are purebloods!! Traitors. Gar. What do they owe to the muggles anyway? They don't even believe in us! They're a lower lifeform! And they have to go throwing their life away to protect the vermin. I wouldn't even need to kill anyone, if they had listened to my ideas in the first place. Why not make muggle hunting legal? They're twice as stupid, mistempered and dangerous as any Acromantula I've seen, and yet these misguided wizards treat them as EQUALS!!!!   
  
Therefore I have no qualms about killing them.   
  
Bah. Thats enough for now, my cocoas done.   
  
-Lord V. 


	4. Session 2 Nonexistant Parental Instances

**Session**: 153  
**Name of Client** Señòr Simosinof  
**Date**: July 4 , 11:25 pm.  
**Notes**:  
  
11:25 The Señor is late today. Again. Only by 10 minutes this time. Asked him to sit down, to which he responded with curling up inot a ball and sobbing.  
  
11:26 The couch apparently reminds him of a Polish sausage that once gave him indegestion. Should I be insulted, or gratified that my furniture can strike terror into a mans heart? I shall ponder later.   
  
11:27 I've been seeing this man for more than a year, and I still don't see whats so upsetting about sausages. I also can't cure him of this fear. Now if he was afraid of beng turned [I]into[/I] a sausage, I could have something to work with, but really! Does this reflect badly on me as a shrink?  
  
11:27 I shouldn't call myself a shrink. It sounds degrading. Like hag. Or midget.  
  
11:28 Took out the picture cards. I don't know why I bother, I know he'll see all of them as sausages, hot dogs, franks, bratwursts, whatever, and dive behind my chair begging for them to spare him.   
  
11:29 Heehee, I was right. Why do I find so much vindictive pleasure in using his abnormal fear against him?   
  
11:30 Oh thats why. I can't stand this client. I wish someone would come and kill him off for me. Annoying, frustrating, cantankerous little fraidy cat.   
  
11:30 Oh Merlins Balls. Be careful what you wish for ladies and gentlemen. You know who just walked in  
[added note: I just realized that you know who is You-Know-Who….heh…never mind]  
  
11:32 Alrighty, got that sorted out. Lord Voldemort just walked in an hour early. He seems to think….demand actually…that _I_ should arrange my schedule aorund his needs. I told him I was with a client. And I quote:  
*Voldemort looks around*: I see no client.  
*Señor pokes head out from under chair* *Shouts*: GIANT SAUSAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
*Voldemort looks mildly injured.*  
*I explain his fear of sausages.*  
*Voldemort turns the Señor into a sausage*  
*Voldemort proceeds to eat the señor on a rye bun from my lunchbag*  
Where do I find these people?   
  
11:35 Every cloud has a silver lining…extra hour of lunch today….  
  
11:36 Lets see how much time he can waste complaining about minion problems…..  
-'Wormtail can't even make a decent cup of coffee!"  
- something about oatmeal and obnoxious blondes [obtrusive scones?]  
- 'And Agnes owuldn't give me my Monday footrub' (ugh)  
- nuegen luegen du farfegnugan??  
  
11:40 I'll us the picture cards from Señors session for todays excersise. I hope this goes better with him. Or do I?  
  
Card #1- Harry Potter withing in agony  
Card #2- Harry Potter falling into a Burmese tiger trap  
Card #3- Harry Potter dead  
Card #4- Dead Muggle  
Card #5 -Oatmeal with blueberries?  
Card #6- Me [Voldemort], tugging Dumbledore's beard off his winkled head.  
Card #7- Me [Voldemort] ruling the world  
Card #8- mummy!  
  
10:45 That last card was actually a cutout of Mrs. Skowers. He sniffled, then shouted at me for 'taunting him with reminders of his nonexistant parental instances', then proceeded to transfigure all my cards into cockroaches and squish them all into the floor.  
  
10:47 _Finally_ got him calmed down with a new squoosh duckie and a bag of fizzing whizbees.  
  
10:47 Let's try a bit of question and answer, thanks to my new Quick Quotes Quill!  
  
Me: Why do you kill people?  
He: Some people just need to be killed. _[I just can't _argue _with that logic....]_  
  
Me: What is the number one most stressful time for you?  
He: July 31st, Harry's birthday, because that means it's been ONE MORE YEAR THAT HE'S ESCAPED MY WRATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But his day will come, I assure you, oh yes. It will be sweet…..  
  
Me: Revenge is a dish best served cold.  
He: Like Ice Cream.  
  
Me: Why do you want to kill muggles?  
He: Why do we squish bugs?  
  
Me: How are you today.  
He: No one's ever asked me that before…..  
  
Me: If you could have the perfect day, what would it be?  
He: I'd wake up, eat my blueberry oatmeal and Pop Tarts, then go out to take over the world. I'd kill Harry Potter, then Dumbledore, seize Hogwarts, and make a new school! A better school! One for Dark Arts.   
Me: Like Durmstrang  
He: Durmstrang would become a department Store for Riddle Unlimited. Then I'd turn all the muggles into merchandise and become rich!  
  
10:51 At this point he discovered my Quick Quotes Quill and nicked it.   
I asked him for it back, and he said "What Quill?" He annoys me.   
10:51 I annoy him too he says.  
  
10:53 He wants a tour of my department. Okay……  
  
10:59 GOD! He's like a CHILD!!!!! I said no, because he would intimidate my employees, and he [I]threw a temper tantrum[/I]. Merlin's Hemmheroids! My office is a complete disaster, and the only thing thats safe is my fishtank! He's quite fascinated with the crabs. And…….. Oh my lord, my DESK IS A PIG!!!!!!  
  
11:00 I told him to leave. He said only if he could bring his candy. I said fine. He's gone, along with half my candy supply, my fishtank, and my desk/pig. I swear, when this is all over, _**I'm**_ going to need counseling.   
  
**Diagnosis**- Severe Case of Meanie-Poo-ness


	5. A walk in muggle shoes and skirt

**Session**: 3**  
**

**Name of Patient:** Lord Voldemort

**Date**: July 13 , 11:30 pm.

**Notes**: I made a huuuge mistake of scheduling this appointment on Friday the thirteenth…..

11:35 Voldemort came in five minutes late today, because 'the security guards needed to be taught a lesson in discipline.' Poor Gerald and Jenkins……

11:36 Today we're going to try a new idea called Play Acting. I brought with me some muggle clothes, and passcards to a muggle shopping mall.. He's going to live an hour in the life of a muggle. This is going to be worth every gray hair he's caused me.

11:37 He doesn't seem to understand. I expllain that maybe if he learns how muggles live, he will not be as prone to hate them so. He says maybe if I stick my wand in my ear I can touch my brain.

11:47 It's taken ten minutes to persuade him to wear the clothes. He refuses to be seen in such 'a pathetic excuse for fashionable dayware in a public who should be bowing before me." I assured him that he would not be recognized, and that the clothes were indeed fashionable. Little does he know, but the pink plaid shirt is quite a good color for him.

11:49 Have taken away his wand. He looks spiffing in pink.

11:55 The Lord was absolutely _terrified_ by the subway cars. He clung to my arm the entire way down, as if he was afraid of the millions of muggles as well. He wouldn't even take a nibble off the soft pretzel I bought.

11:56 After a mean spat with an elderly muggle, we secured our seats in the front. Our client seems unaware of the social blunder he made by refusing to allow the woman to sit there. She bashed him a few good ones upside the head with her walking stick before I managed to free another seat for her. Voldemort seems fascinated at how the cars can move underground, faster than a broomstick.

11:59 Arrived at the shopping mall a little later than expected. Voldemort was once again rather clingy as we fought our way up from the underground, and received a few kicks from the youngsters he tried to scare. I think this trip will deflate his super-villan ego a bit, if anything.

12:05 First stopped at a charming outdoor café for a bite to eat. He ordered lemonade with sprinkles, plus a hotdog with lettuce, pineapple, and spaghetti. When they told him they couldn't do that, he threw a fit, and we had to leave. (After paying for the broken table and water pitcher.) He now insists we buy an extra large muffin basket, because he is still hungry.

12:12 Bought Voldemort his muffin, and I couldn't help but remember the story 'If you give a moose a muffin', because indeed, he now demands he needs new clothes because he spilled his extra jam.

12:14 I'm in the largest clothing store I've ever seen. Must be as big as the Auror training room at the Ministry! Voldemort is running too and fro picking out clothes he wants to try on.

12:15 Unfortunatly he is doing this in the young womens department.

12:17 After assuring him that the sprakly blue halter top didn't suit him too well, I steered him towards the mens suits. He likes the ties, but insists he wear a skirt, scince pants are far too 'muggly'. I'm almost beginning to regret this outing.

12:18 Almost.

12:20 Brought him to an electronics store. I can't seem to get him away from the Play Station 2. He keeps saying 'just one more dead nun and I get an extra life!!!" Unfortunately for him, they are chainsaw weidling nuns, and he hasn't gotten to the flame thrower level yet.

12:25 After draggiing him away from the electronics store (and purchasing at least a dozen games) I decided it would be best to get on his good side, for he was looking murderous. (And an angry man in a yellow suit jacket and a green skirt is not someone to argue with.)

12:26 Brought him to the pet store. Cuuute!

12:28 Lord Voldemort finds the puppies satisfactory. He is in his glories, because it seems he's always wanted a puppy. Dr. Moore uncovers yet another amazing sign of nostalgic childhood memories!

12:30 Bought a small St. Bernard puppy, despite my protests. His name is (don't laugh) Bubbles Daffodil Riddle.

12:35 Had to make a run for it when Mr. Bubbles Daffodil Riddle relieved himself on a passing lawyer. Voldemort stopped and bought a pretzel for 'his precious' for 'a wonderfully heinous crime of vandalizing muggles.'

12:36 Voldemort hasn't the foggiest idea of what to do around women. Oddly enough, a young teenager approached him, looking almost as odd as he did (if it's possible) with purple hair, a cow shirt, and a rubbery orange skirt. She told him she liked his dog and that he was hot. After a few minutes of his inane babbling, she bowed deeply and kissed his hand. She was gone before I could get her name, but Voldemort was gaagaa for the rest of the way home.

12:40 I think this has been a valuable lesson for me, and for the Lord. At least….I think so. He seems to see muggles in a new light, perhaps we'll be able to overcome this mad murderer after all!

Had Voldemort write a small list of things he'd learned before he left today.

-Muggle girls are worthy of his attention  
-Muggle toys are cooler  
-Muggles have no respect for Dark Lords  
-Muggle kids are annoying  
-Must kill all muggles except for 'comely' girls and puppies. And the people who make PS2 games.

Maybe it didn't work as well as I had thought.

Diagnosis: Damn, spilled mustard on my cloak!


End file.
